An open letter on loneliness, depression and procrastination...

          

            It is often with a heavy heart the lonely greet a new day, the alarm was set for a ‘suitable’ time. Yet as the chimes sparked the reluctant dreamer into consciousness there was pain, lethargy.

Thoughts and aches had probed the over active mind long into the night, maybe it was but an hour ago that the sleeper lay down in the soft embrace of the ever present, ever comforting duvet. Aside from those occasions where you just want to sleep and the duvet tangles, suffocates, and hinders. Generally however, the duvet is our friend keeping us safe from the darkness without its gentle folds.

                I digress, this letter isn’t only for those who live alone, after all you can find yourself lonely in a crowd ever so easily. This is for the depressed, the creative types, the chronic pain sufferers, the insomniacs and the ‘misfits’. I use that word loosely because after all I don’t think you’re a misfit and that is my very point.

                On numerous occasions I have woken late, perhaps by accident or quite intentionally because frankly today I could do without stuff, what stuff? Any stuff. I just do not want it. However you do eventually rise to the clicking of lethargic joints and aches of a tired or over rested brain. I hate that, you sleep because you’re just so damn tired and you wake and find too much sleep is terrible in equal measure.

                Digression... Always off of the point. So you’ve risen at some point in this new day that was much like yesterday, same problems and woes. You have things to do, maybe you need to make a phone call for missing an appointment that you forgot. Whatever it may be now you just cannot seem to focus, you just cannot get down to business, so to speak. What comes next? Guilt and shame.

                You feel terrible and the first thing you do is begin to rip on yourself about just how bad a person you are and how this, that you are experiencing in this moment of intense and almost professional procrastination, is all your fault. You tell yourself how much of a failure you are, perhaps you begin to reflect on where everything went wrong and how other people just do not seem to struggle the same way that you do. How very helpful, why thank you inner me.
                The majority of the time it is us that isolate ourselves for what we suppose others must think of us, I am a bad person and I can't stand me so everyone else must feel that way too. We have already deemed ourselves unworthy of the affection of others and so we lock ourselves away. No one forced us to do that it was self afflicted as is much of our suffering. We overthink, we make assumptions and we hurt ourselves as a result.

                Well stop, stop it. No matter how hard you strive for that answer it is almost impossible to find and by the way, beating yourself is never going to help, so just stop.

                I would suggest perhaps going to YouTube and partaking in some funny cat videos but we all know that we have stuff to do and if we start with one video, soon enough it’ll be 5am again and you still didn’t eat!

                Moving my chair back across to my original point, when you are lonely all of the above just seems so much worse. There is no one there to wake you when you sleep in, no one to gently chastise you for procrastinating, no one to just go “hey are you all right?” I suppose I’m only compacting the problem with this but I want to reach out to you, solidarity. I like that word... Solidarity.

                I get you, I AM with you and I will always walk that painful walk with you. If anything makes me feel better it is easing the loads of others. It doesn’t weigh me down, nor does it add to my own load. At first I would say I used to use it as a distraction and I kicked myself for it. Yet now I’ve come to understand that sharing in the solitary walks of others and coming along side those who are sad and lonely brings me genuine joy and fulfilment. I understand and I have empathy for that walk. I may not physically be in situ in order to bring you cups of tea and duvet snuggles but spiritually we walk the same road my friend.

                Life is a struggle but it need not be a solo one way trip. Each and every road for every person on this Earth has its bends and muddy patches, its hills and ditches and giant puddles. In the case of puddles, get your wellies on and jump in that sucker.

                You needn’t suffer loneliness and depression, make it suffer you. Find that thing that brings you real joy and hold onto it so fucking tight that you get pins and needles in your fingers. My light, my lifeline is loving other people. Maybe yours is cuddling your cat or talking to it in an awkward baby voice, “isn’t that right Ser Pounce-a-lot?” Whatever it is, keep it safe, keep it close and never forget it.

                At any rate, I am lazy, I am in pain, I get down and hell I don’t feel like working or eating! I am not going to let that beat me because I love and I love pretty damn hard. What I do each day impacts someone in the most simple and subtle of ways and I need to hold to that. The moment I give in and become bitter and defeated and start shouting at others and getting all caught up in me, well it wins. IT, this invisible, nameless, jerk gremlin that sits on my shoulders and pushes me down.

                So to finish I want to say to you, name and shame your gremlin, don’t punish yourself. Find your little sputtering light in the dark and nurture it and never let it go out. 

                Now I had better get back to what I should be doing. Peace.
 Mako signing off!

P.S. I love you and you CAN do it.